When you are in a very long term relationship, usually you will nurture it, and keep it healthy. If the other person in the relationship is giving his/her all, things are balanced, and there won't be a strain. I held up the fort in the marriage, If I pulled away, there was very minimal interaction, socially, and physically. That was the point to where I said, this is over, and has been. I reflect on it now, and say I was the "relationship", I had a relationship with myself in a way. Sad I know, but I would rather be alone then with a man, who I am carrying on my back every step of the way. When I did take this step back, he did freak out for a minute, he was confused and didn't know what to do. Alls he had to do was fight for "us"but obviously that never did happen. I must say, I have had numerous people ask me what happened to my marriage. It wasn't that my ex was a bad man, or cheated on me, or was cruel to me. My ex just wasn't in it, he was there for the ride, he just didn't love me enough to ever fight for me. I know that I am NOT perfect! I definitely did things that I would take back in a heart beat. But I can't, and I can only learn from them as I hope he has learned from his.
Now to the point, I was quickly replaced, and forgotten. I know, I know.. but we were separated and getting a divorce, but to me, I felt as if I never mattered, he moved in with this girl and got her pregnant shortly after. Now they are planning on getting married. I think my biggest issue with getting involved with someone again, is the pain of knowing how fast I can be replaced and left behind.
I think I need to just trust that when someone really loves you, and will always fight for you, they won't leave you behind and replace you right away, I need to have faith in that. I wanted to give you background to why I feel the way I do, and what makes me have this bad taste in my mouth about engaging into another relationship. I am glad the relationship is over, and I can't be happier about that! I am happy for my ex husband, he has a new baby girl so I have heard through the grape vine. :)
I am only human, I feel, I hurt, I learn, I grow and become stronger. I just want to have that desire to be with someone again. I think in time when I am ready it will eventually happen. For now, I am happy with focusing on my short, and long term goals. I am fulfilled with working on myself, and bettering me. I am confident, and strong which with out that experience and this time of being single I would not be where I am today. So there for I am very grateful, and would not take it back. The times when you pick yourself up, and you don't let anyone interfere with your personal growth is when you build character. I am pretty excited about that person I am becoming.
“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
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